Too Smart for Their Own Good I remember watching The Jetsons when I was a young girl and thinking their kitchen was so "cool." (Modern translation translation, "phat.") George Jetson would go to the kitchen, push a button, and his dinner would slide onto the table piping hot. This left his wife plenty of time to keep the kids, the dog, and the robot out of intergalactic trouble. It seemed like a great idea – a kitchen that was smart enough to prepare anything you wanted without reminding you how bad it was for your cholesterol level. I decided that when I grew up I’d have a kitchen like that. Unfortunately, the Jetson’s kitchen is still science fiction. But individual kitchen appliances keep getting smarter and smarter. I know this is true because on a recent visit to a local appliance showroom, a salesperson pointed out tags on each appliance that indicated their energy savings and their SAT scores. The $1200 dryer that caught my eye was actually a member of MENSA. Kitchen appliances are more intelligent these days because they all have computer chips implanted in them. As a result, you can, for example, get a dishwasher that "senses" how dirty a load of dishes is and adjusts the temperature and length of the wash cycle in response. Now that’s smart. Nine times out of ten when I open my dishwasher, I can’t even "sense" whether the dishes in there are clean or dirty. I have to rely on my manual back-up system – I hold a fork up in front of my husband’s nose and ask, "Does this look clean to you?" I also wouldn’t want to match wits with the oven that has its own recipes programmed in. I’d probably end up arguing with it. "I don’t care what you say, I like more chocolate chips in my chocolate chip cookies!" Of course it would probably punish me for doing things my own way by burning everything and refusing to clean itself. I’ve already got an oven that does that, and I didn’t have to spend $900 for it! As I wandered through the appliance store, it became clear that the refrigerator is the slow learner among its appliance peers. You can get one that beeps to let you know when the door is left ajar for more than fifteen seconds, but that’s not rocket science. And, if you think about it, a beeping refrigerator might actually cause you more work. It’s been my experience that the people most likely to leave the refrigerator door ajar are teenagers (why close it when you’ll be back in five minutes?) and husbands. Neither would react to a beeping sound – the kids can’t hear it over their portable CD player and most husbands have developed a special hearing ability that filters out everything not related to sports. Now if the refrigerator called out baseball stats, that’d be smart. A genius refrigerator would close it’s own door. Or, at least it would teach the toilet to lower its seat. (Those appliances who can’t do, teach). Yes, kitchen science keeps moving forward. Did you know that scientists at MIT are trying to invent a kitchen counter that will tell you how to cook? Hey, isn’t that what mother-in-laws are for? I’m not making this up. I read an article about the talking countertops in the newspaper. It included quotes from several of the scientists working on the project. They were all young guys who were apparently tired of eating cold spaghetti out of a can. So far, the scientists have programmed their prototype kitchen counter to advise: "Heat the spaghetti before serving." Of course these instructions are also on the label, but hey, even scientists are too busy to read these days. With all this money being spent to increase the intellect of kitchen appliances, I’d like to put in a few of my own requests. I’d like a self-cleaning refrigerator that automatically tosses stuff in the trash when it’s two weeks past its expiration date. I’d like a microwave oven that can help me with my taxes (after all, it’s got all those numbers on its keypad.) But, most of all, I’d like all my appliances to automatically dial the repairman when they’re broken and wait from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. for him to show up – the next day. In the mean time, I’m going to check with my doctor to see about getting one of those computer chips implanted in my brain. Hey, I don’t want to feel stupid every time I walk into my kitchen!

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