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I’m Okay, You’re Socially Dysfunctional
If you are hypercritical of people, but don’t have the nerve
to express your disgust to their faces, the Internet has something just for you. For just a few bucks a crack,
a number of web services will anonymously e-mail anyone who offends you with your complaint about their unseemly
personal habits, infuriating management techniques, or inability to please you because you’re an overly-judgmental
anal-retentive freak.
I logged onto one of these web sites, iNudge.com, to see how they work. iNudge.com promised that "Without
revealing your identity, Ms. Nudge will send the recipient a kindly worded letter and gift item to help them on
their way to solving their (and your problem.)" What kind of gift item do you give someone after you’ve
just told him he’s a sexist egomaniac with horrible body odor and no fashion sense? Is there a flower for that?
Ms. Nudge nudged me to check out the BAD BOSS category and since my boss is a bitch (it’s hell working for yourself),
I decided to see what advice she would offer. Here’s what she had to say:
"Now can tell your boss what you have always wanted to say without risking your job. Send your boss a little
nudge to let them know that their behavior is having a negative impact on the workplace."
Methinks Ms. Nudge’s boss should be proofreading her work before it gets posted on-line. The two grammatical errors
in her work (go ahead and find them, I’ll wait) made me wonder just how effective her "respectfully-worded
letters explaining the recipient’s management dysfunction" would be. I can only imagine:
"Dear Sire or Madam or The Person Who Reads This:
One of your employs who witches to remain unanimous (but you can figure out pretty easy if you read this letter
aloud at your next staff meeting and look directly into his eyes – not that I’m saying it’s a he) has told me that
you are dishonest and abusive. But Ms. Nudge knows that recieving this letter from someone you don’t know via
e-mail will immediately cause you to straighten up and flie rite. Thanks. And here’s a cheap plastic frog for
your trubble. P.S., please don’t fire Mr. Martin, as I promised him you wouldn’t." [Please note: All typographical
and grammatical errors in the above letter were intentional. Don’t send me mail correcting my writing. That’s
my mom’s job.]
You may think I’m being a little mean to Ms. Nudge. Well, that’s because you didn’t read the actual sample letter
she includes on her website. The topic of discussion is flatulence. The letter is reprinted below, with my snide
comments in parenthesis:
"Dear friend in need (looky, I spelled ‘Friend’ right and
that’s a hard one!):
Someone in your life thought you could use a little nudge. This person wants you to know you have a problem with
flatulence. Basically, you pass a lot of gas (I’m pretty sure you’re so stupid you don’t know the meaning of the
word flatulence, but since I have a dictionary right here, I looked it up for you.)
This is nothing to be ashamed of. We all pass gas (except for Ms. Nudge who has had that part of her body surgically
removed to avoid embarrassment at parties.) In fact, passing gas 14 to 23 times is normal. However, due to either
the frequency of the blasts or the uncommon odor, your problem has become noticed. You can relax, though, (although
not too much because you know what might happen) because Ms. Nudge is here to help you (by pointing out your social
faux pas and providing you condescending advice.)"
Then there’s helpful tips such as cutting down on gassy foods,
drinking plenty of water, and reducing the amount of air you swallow such as when you gulp large quantities while
reading this degrading letter. She ends with this:
"Follow these tips and you too can have a happier, odor-free
life. I have enclosed a package of Gas-X to help you on your way. (And here’s the business card of the surgeon
who took care of the problem for me.)
I guess my point is this: People who live in glass web sites
shouldn’t throw virtual rocks. Now, I’ve got to go have a chat with my boss about her constant micromanaging.
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