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November 16th, 1999
Advice for the Floundering Husband
Look at me! Hard at work!
Helllllllllllo! I am having a terrific day. Thanks
for asking. I have been inundated with mail from folks who want to feature my stuff in their online magazines.
To say I am overwhelmed would be an understatement. I'm in E-print!!!!!
Twas a busy day for me. Lot's of work today. Oh,
it's okay. I didn't actually do any of it, but there was tons of it. I was creatively non-busy. What
this means is surfing about the internet and shrinking at time critical moments. I'm a pro.
Joshua was late at wrestling practice again. Had to pick
him up. I hate that. By the time I get home I just want to curl in a fetal position on the linoleum
and suck my thumb. I had to put that off this evening. Darn it.
He also informed me that his dad, my notorious ex, gave him
five dollars for raking the yard this weekend. I wonder how much yard work he'd have to do to get the other, $29,995.00
dollars he owes me? I hear the Carolinas have lots of excess foliage this time of year. I should book
him a ticket on Greyhound and put it on the ex-hub's tab.
I am now presenting a slice of an email I recieved today from
the folks at Coffeerooms who featured me. The husband sent it and it is as follows.....
I just read your rules out loud to Annie and
she is still laughing out loud and rolling about on the bed. For myself, I am still being deeply offended. But
as with everything else you wives do, I guess I'll just have to learn to live with it. (Pardon me; would you pass
the Kleenex?)
Is it true? Am I biased? Do I lean more toward
the female mentality than I do the male? In all fairness, I decided to post some advice for the men this
evening. Just to show you that I really do love you guys.
Hasta......M
And now, in a section exclusively set aside for the husbands,
I shall solve all of your marriage problems by dishing out some well-intended advice.
Welcome to marriage! Now that your partying days are behind
you, please hold on to that bachelor party memory with relish. From here on out your life comes without the necessary
condiments.
This is your wife. In order for you to better understand her
we have divided her into two sections.
Section one ~ (Your wife from the neck up.)
Please keep in mind, husbands, that this woman will
be forever smarter than you are. Do not fool yourself with the notion that just because she married you she could
not be that smart to begin with. A woman loathes touching the trash, and that is why you are here. A woman despises
small, crawly critters, and that is why you are here. A woman tires of running to the supermarket to replenish
her battery supply, and that is why you are here. She was smart enough to realize all of the above things and marry
herself off in a timely fashion. Enjoy her, worship her, and revel in all that is her.
Section two ~ (Your wife
from the neck down.) Although the figure she possesses
now may someday spread and change, you would be wise to remember that, when this happens, she still has that same
figure. To put it in terms you can more easily understand, if they were to move the lines on a football field it
would still be - say it with me, men - that's right! - it would still be a football field! If you feel you might
somehow have a problem with a change in your wife's waistline, please stock up on many pornographic magazines now
and move your things out of the bedroom. (Authors note: Move your things out of the bedroom anyway. We need more
space for our shoes.) I can tell you right now, if you so much as sneeze in her direction she shall bear you a
child and her fifty yard line will immediately relocate to her end zone.
Now that we have those sections taken care of, here are a few
more helpful hints.
#1 Spiders ~ When
your wife climbs shrieking into your Christmas tree and you realize, as you rush to her rescue, that the spider
was merely a loose sequin from an ornament DO NOT poke fun at her. Bravely scoop up the sequin with much bravado
and then help her pick the pine needles out of her hair.
#2 Children ~ When
your children finally arrive and, on a really bad day, she screams, "Your children are out of control!"
do not point out that they are her children as well and that it takes two to Tango. She will be very careful to
point out that she is sure her half of the children would rather be reading. After all, she gave them their smart
half. It's a losing battle - why go there?
#3 Arguments ~ Please repeat this. "I'm sorry, honey. I was a real idiot and I won't do
it again." Any other words spoken while during an argument will not work to your favor. Women learn rebuttal
within the womb and you don't stand a chance.
Husband: Why, you! I ought to give you a piece of my mind!
Wife: Are you sure you can spare it?
Husband: That's it! I've had enough of you; I'm going to the
bar
Wife: You may as well go to the bar, cause you're too dumb to
pass one.
Husband: Who do you think you are anyway?
Wife: <stone silence>
Husband: "I'm sorry, honey. I was a real idiot and I won't
do it again."
See how nicely that works?
#4 Sex ~ A
woman does not want to be woken up in the middle of the night to feel you rubbing up against her like a dog in
heat. While we will not always be compliant, we understand you have a drive that requires you be thinking of and
performing these actions one thousand times a day. We feel the same way about coupon clipping. We can sympathize.
#5 Fishing trips ~ By all means, go. Go go go. Take the kids with you because it is vital they learn
to commune with nature. We are sad to stay home alone and miss out on all the family fun but as we drink wine in
a candlelit bathtub while reading a book and stuffing our mouths with Klondike Bars we'll have a good cry and then
get over it. After all, you'll come back. You always do.
#6 Household chores ~ Do not be fooled. Just because your mother always baked cookies and vacuumed with
a smile on her face, it does not mean that your wife will do the same. They didn't want you to know this, but your
mother beat your father with a rolling pin behind closed doors every night while strangling him with the vacuum
cord. However, since we love you, we just prefer you share the chores. See how much we care?
#7 Birthdays, Anniversaries, etc ~ Invest in a big DayTimer. Be careful to note every anniversary and birthday
in your life. They are expected to be festive and expensive. This area breaks down into a few vital sections of
it's own:
Flowers ~ While
we will always assure you the daisies you picked from our neighbor's yard are a perfect gift, what we would really
like to do is plant these flowers in your nasal cavity. You must buy
us flowers. If you can not propel yourself to the store
to actually do so, at least give the neighbor fifty dollars for his daisies and be sure to get a receipt. When
you send flowers, you must send them to the office. If no one but your wife actually sees the daisies, it is a
waste of good flowers. If she does not work, be sure to invite her Bridge Club to be on hand when you present them.
Gifts ~ It's
the thought that counts. This is true, unless it is a really really crappy thought
Remember that a wife has many anniversaries you are not even
aware of. This is meant to keep you on your toes. Wives celebrate your first call, your first kiss, your first
dinner, your first fight, your first vacation, your first late night snack - wives are not picky.
LEARN THESE
KNOW THESE
MEMORIZE THESE
In all fairness, I shall now follow with instructions for the
wife:
#1 If you want to shut him up, just hand him the remote.
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