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StoryBoard
MOM to MOM
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January 13th, 2000
Loopy Lopez
Well, she's just making friends wherever she goes.
Jennifer "My Boyfriend's A Felon" Lopez really irritated New Year's revelers Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow
and various others when she "infiltrated" a dinner for 75 that Donatella Versace was hosting at the Ocean
Drive property once owned by her murdered brother.
Fresh off her arrest for mayhem and madness earlier that week, where she purportedly spent most of the evening
whining in the police station for cuticle cream, she appeared uninvited at a very select bash about a half an hour
before midnight. Lopez cleared the room with her arrival as the real party guests removed themselves to other areas
of the mansion.
Word has it, according to a fellow party-goer who passed this juicy bit on to the Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel,
that Miss "My Ass Is Huge" Lopez was anything but welcome. Madonna went so far as to declare. "dinners
over" and then stalked away.
It seems that Jen "I'm More Of An Idiot With Each Passing Day" Lopez orally smashed both Madonna and
Oscar-winner Paltrow in an interview a few weeks past. Let me do some quoting here;
"I don't remember anything she (Paltrow) was in. Some people get hot by association. I heard more about her
and Brad Pitt than I ever heard about her work,'' she was reported to say of poor Gwyn.
"Do I think she's (Madonna) a great performer? Yeah. Do I think she's a great actress? No. Acting is what
I do. I'm like, 'Hey, don't spit on my craft."
So, Jen dined alone while everyone else moved off into other areas of the 20,000-square-foot mansion which was
offered up for sale in August with an asking price of $23 million. Not a hard task to hide yourself there, since
the home sports 12 bedrooms and 13 bathrooms. Poor Jen.
Okay. So here are the things that bother me about this snitty party spat:
#1) Infiltrated? Are they inferring she came dressed in a Ninja suit and dropped through the skylight on eighty
yards of hemp twine? Well, in all fairness, she may have been packing. I guess infiltration may have been the mildest
description they could have used while managing to avoid a potential defamation lawsuit.
#2) Hosting your party at a murder scene. Given Jen's new proclivity for violence, Donatella has no one to blame
but herself for this one.
#2a) Hosting your party at a murder scene. Ew ew ew.
#3) Why wasn't Madonna at home with her bambino picking confetti out of her hair and holding her head while she
puked because she drank from Mommy's wine glass when she should have known better? I know that's what I was doing.
What kind of crappy mother is she, anyway?
#4) Let's see. Schtupping Brad Pitt or Puffy "The Neutralizer" Combs? Oh, yeah. Poor, poor Gwyn.
#5) "Some people get hot by association." Has this nasty little tidbit jumped up and bitten you in your
incredibly rotund ass yet, Jen? Way to turn a phrase. Check your stockings, Fly Girl. They must be flaming by now.
#6) "Don't spit on my craft." I've seen Anaconda. Get over yourself, dear. If you want to see genuine
horror, come to my house and watch me open my Public Service Bill.
#7) 20,000 square foot mansion and it's not mine. Don't cry for me, Argentina. I'll get over it.
#8) 12 rooms and 13 bathrooms. Do the math. Clearly one person will need to agonize over choosing the "bidet
bathroom" or the "Jacuzzi bathroom." Imagine the stress. Fortunately for me, my toddler has flushed
all of his building blocks down our second toilet. I never have to make gut-wrenching bathroom decisions anymore.
Thank you, God.
What a bunch of cry babies. Boo hoo. They should have went a little easier on Jen. It's not like she could ring
in the New Year with Puffy. Lord knows how hard it is to kiss through those metal bars.
Not that I've had any experience in that.
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